It was the middle of December of a very tough year. It seemed like all I had done all year was take various kids, and myself, to doctor's appointments. Many doctor's appointments. There were so many every week that I was not getting much else done. If there was a theme that year, it would be "dying to self" but it wasn't one I was learning quickly. It was close to Christmas and I needed to do some shopping so I was looking forward to this one afternoon that I had all to myself.
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You can hear it, can't you? That foreboding music playing in the background.
Recently I had been having some bothersome heart palpitations and my blood pressure wasn't the greatest so I had been seeing a cardiologist. That right there, when you're only in your very early 50s, is a humbling experience.
I had had the entire round of cardio tests done with the exception of one: the 24 hour blood pressure monitor machine. Oh well, I would make the best of it and take the afternoon to myself. A leisurely lunch. Some peaceful shopping.
It Started off Good
I got to the office and they showed me the machine that would be my friend for the next 24 hours. The BP cuff was to be worn on my arm under my clothing and I had a strap around my neck to hold the part of the machine that collected the data. Ok, not too bad, I can do this.
Off to Kohl's I go to pick out a nice workout outfit for my Christmas gift from my parents. The one you see in the picture. I still can't wear it without internally grimacing.
It wasn't too bad having this machine. Except for when it would take my blood pressure, which it did about every 15 minutes. When it did that, it made a nice loud sound and got very tight around my arm. At that point I was instructed to straighten my arm and keep it relaxed.
The Unexpected Call
As I was walking through Kohl's trying to find workout clothes (which under normal circumstances is challenging for me) I would have to stop every 15 minutes and find a place to rest my arm and pray that no one was around me to wonder what that strange sound was.
Now you might wonder how many times this happened? A LOT. Finding workout clothes that fit, that match and that don't cost a fortune can take a long time. I was there for several rounds.
A little while into this ordeal my phone rang. It was my son, who was in quite a state. He's a Type 1 Diabetic who wears an insulin pump. It seems that said pump had malfunctioned. Totally out of the blue! That's not good when you depend on that pump to deliver your life-saving medication. Now mind you, I'm about 45 minutes away from home, so I have to make some quick decisions.
Do I ditch the workout clothes that I had worked so hard to find? OR do I stand in the long pre-Christmas line so that I can take the clothes home to be wrapped up and given to me as a gift? I knew he would be fine for awhile, so I stood in line. I had worked too hard to find that outfit to ditch it now.
The "Dying to Self" Part
I was so close to being out of the store before it was time to take my blood pressure again. Alas, it was not meant to be. The person in front of me took just a bit too long, so when it was my turn, two things happened:
1. The phone rang again. It was my son who was reporting back to me on his status.
2. My blood pressure machine started up, which meant I had to retrieve my wallet to pay for my clothes, balance my cell phone on my shoulder so I could continue talking to my son, and simultaneously straighten, relax and NOT MOVE MY ARM.
At this point I was near tears. Why couldn't I just have one afternoon to relax? By this point I was hungry, too, because I thought I'd get my shopping done before I went and had that leisurely lunch. No time for that now. I had to get home.
I'm pretty sure I cried most of the 45 minutes home. Feeling sorry for myself was definitely on the menu. Really, I had been having a pretty crummy year so far and it wasn't looking like it was going to end. By the time I had arrived home, I pulled myself together, took care of the pump issue and ate some lunch.
That Christmas, when I opened that gift, I laughed. I told everyone the story of that outfit and they laughed, too. I'm telling you now hoping that you'll laugh because you know that dying to self is not easy. You know that giving up your own agenda for the sake of others is a necessity and that you can either fight it, as I did, or accept it graciously. There are days when I can accept it graciously because my life isn't so stressful, or I've had some good prayer time going. Many days, however, I can't,
When Dying to Self Doesn't Work
If you find yourself in a frustrating situation where you were REALLY looking forward to something and it doesn't happen, here's what I recommend you try:
- Take a deep breath
- Ask your Guardian Angel for help
- Try to see the humor in the situation. If not now, then later
- Tell yourself that you can always do this again another day
If all of those fail you and you feel the tears forming, let them fall. Try, however, to get past the situation without too much kicking and screaming. But hey, if you can't do that, just remember that God is merciful and Confession is only a car ride away.